Conflicted

Sometimes I love my house.

Sometimes I hate it.

Sometimes, I like it well enough, but I can't stop imagining a different house.

That's me right now. It's not that I hate living here. I like the things we've done and worked on and changed. It's homey and it keeps the rain off our heads.

But we're starting to inch near to the place where we're thinking of selling. I'm very torn. On the one hand, I'm excited to think of how close we are to being out of debt and how we'd easily be able to afford a house that's a little bigger as far as a monthly mortgage goes. On the other hand, selling this place seems absolutely impossible and a mountain I just can't imagine climbing. When I think of how much it costs to sell...realtor's fees, closing costs, not to mention a down payment for another place, I just don't get how people do it. That's so much money! It just seems unrealistic.


I'm also pretty sure we'd lose money on this place. I'd be surprised if we could get an offer that's equal to what we owe on it. And our credit, though improving, isn't great. Could we even get a loan for another house?

And yet, people do it all the time. People who have less than we do. How??

It doesn't help that there are several houses in the area we want that I love that are a bargain right now. I found one last night that I had to look at twice. It was so lovely. Not perfect, I'd have to give up a couple things, but it looked worth it. If it wasn't for this house we're saddled with, I'd be making an offer.

I bet that's how nearly every homeowner on realtor.com feels. I wish I didn't have a house to sell first.

I guess it comes with the territory of a buyer's market.

It was a lot easier to buy the first time. Well, not easy. It still seemed expensive and confusing, but compared to selling, it was much simpler.

I wish I could stop thinking about having those extra square feet and closets and a bigger yard. But, lately it feels as though the walls are caving in here. No matter how much I purge, there's still clutter. I'm running out of storage places. The children are getting bigger and taking up more space.

I think it's because we're so close to being in a better place financially and the irresistible buyer's market that has me obsessing. It's so close, yet still so far.

I think I'll feel better when we wrap up a few dangling projects around here, like the attic and the bathroom. We just haven't had the time lately to tackle them, but once done, I'm sure I'll feel a boost of love for this place. Plus, with the holidays coming, there will be trees to decorate and lights to string and that's always fun.

I'm just going to keep reminding myself to be thankful. Thankful that we aren't facing losing our house like we once were. Thankful that each of us has a warm bed and more clothing and toys than we need. Thankful for friendly neighbors that don't mind if our boys climb the fence to play in their yard with their kids. Thankful that my bathroom no longer completely disturbs me (only parts do). Thankful that even though it's not much, it's ours.